Understanding ANGER
Anger is a natural response to stress or threats. We all get upset about stuff, and that's totally normal. It's just one of the many feelings we have. However, anger causes more destruction to individuals’ interpersonal relationships than any other emotion - this is often due to a lack of understanding around what it is, how to manage it in ourselves and what to do if someone around us is angry.
Remember, anger isn't a bad thing or a feeling to be feared - it’s often a warning sign that helps you figure out what's bothering you. Once you can learn to manage it, you can use it in a positive way.
Why do we get angry?
Anger is a way we might show or react to lots of different feelings, such as:
- If we feel embarrassed or like we messed up
- When things get super frustrating
- When we're guilty or ashamed about something
- Like things are out of our control
- When we're jealous of what someone or something
- When we're hurt or sad inside
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- When we feel like no one understands us
- When we think we're being treated unfairly
- When we feel scared or threatened
- If we feel caught between two worlds, like being from two different cultures
- When we lose our connection to family, friends, or our homeland
.
Below, storyteller Kyle shares some of their own experience navigating anger. You can hear more stories like Kyle's on our free mental health storytelling app, OurHerd.
Anger versus aggression
Stereotypes exist about anger as an emotion, who gets angry, and how anger presents itself. The terms anger and aggression are often used interchangeably, but being mad and being mean aren't the same thing.
When you're angry, it's just a feeling inside you - like any other emotion. Aggression is purposefully acting in a way that's mean, rough, or angry. It's like when you yell, fight, or try to hurt someone, either with words or actions. It's not a nice way to act, and it's important to find better ways to express your feelings and solve problems.
It's okay to feel angry, but it's important to choose how you behave when you're angry.
When does anger become problematic?
Anger can be a problem when it starts to affect your everyday life and how you act towards yourself and others. Signs that anger might be a problem include:
- Feeling mad a lot, really intensely
- Acting aggressively (like yelling or being mean)
- Struggling to talk about your anger
- Feeling sad and upset because you got mad
- Turning to substance use or self-harm to deal with anger
- Using aggression to make people do what you want
- Keeping away from people and situations
- Holding your feelings inside instead of dealing with them
- Wishing you hadn't said or done angry things
- Expressing anger by shouting, swearing, or breaking things
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How can I better manage my anger?
Understand why you’re feeling angry
Figuring out the underlying reasons why you’re feeling anger can help you get back in control and find solutions or alternatives to aggression.
Find your angry triggers
There may be regular occurrences that frequently trigger your anger, or physical signs like feeling hot or flushed, or a racing heartbeat. Recognising these earlier will allow you to react differently or try new ways of dealing with how you’re feeling.
Neutralise your physical reactions
Taking a break or walking away from a situation, practising breathing techniques, or using a distraction or outlet like exercise are all healthy ways to reduce the intensity of anger.
How can I help someone experiencing anger?
While anger is a healthy and natural emotion, it’s often complex - we all react to things differently. In a heated argument, it’s important to remember that:
You need to stay calm
Your safety comes first
If you feel unsafe or in danger, remove yourself as quickly as possible from the situation and reach out for help - Call 000, or 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
Anger may be a sign that the person is in distress, experiencing fear or frustrated
It’s not possible to reason with someone who is enraged
It’s not your responsibility to stop someone from feeling angry
Anger will often naturally subside as time passes
There are things you can do in the moment to help de-escalate the situation and help prevent it from turning aggressive or violent. If a friend or family member is feeling angry, you can use the strategies below to de-escalate a situation:
- Actively listen to why they’re feeling upset
- Offer reflective comments to show that you’ve heard their concerns
- Wait until they’ve released their frustration and explained how they’re feeling
- Maintain appropriate eye contact and a non-threatening posture to show you’re listening and there to support them
- Express empathy and nod to confirm that you’ve understood their concerns
Once the anger subsides and you’re both feeling calm, it’s only then you can talk to them about the situation.
By better understanding anger, why we feel it and how we can manage it, anger can be a useful emotion that can motivate you to make beneficial changes, problem-solve and channel your energy into positive action.
batyr is a youth mental health organisation driven by young people for young people. We empower young people to take charge of their mental health early and often.
The information on this page is intended as a general guide only and is not a substitute for professional, personalised mental health support.
If you need support, visit our Get Support page for a comprehensive list of free, confidential mental health services available to you.