In collaboration with Good Mourning, the following content is an excerpt from Good Mourning: Honest conversations about grief and loss and has been adapted and used with permission.
For more inspiring stories of hope, check out our storytelling app OurHerd or listen to the Good Mourning podcast.
Loss is an inevitable part of life that everyone experiences at some point - when someone in our life dies, our world can be turned upside down and we experience a rollercoaster of often intense emotions.
Despite death being a universal experience, stigma still exists surrounding openly discussing death and the grief that comes with it. Sally and Imogen - authors and creators of the Good Mourning podcast - believe that talking about grief doesn’t need to be awkward, and we agree!
Whether it's a pet or a person, losing a loved one comes with unrelenting emotional and physical impacts of grief, and often loads of added pressures like returning to school or work, studying, and showing up for your day-to-day tasks and responsibilities.
After someone dies, self-care can end up at the bottom of your priority list, and even simple things like remembering to drink enough water can feel impossible. During grief, self-care feels more like survival mode - it’s more about just replenishing your reserves, learning what type of care to give yourself and being realistic about it.
Dealing with feelings of hopelessness
Although death is incredibly painful and there’s no amount of glitter we can sprinkle over the situation to make it better, sometimes holding on to a little hope can help you reframe how you feel about living with grief. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we respond to our experience, and shifting our focus to thinking about hope rather than hopelessness is a good place to start - you don’t have to overcome your loss; you just have to come to terms with it.
Let’s look at some common negative thoughts of hopelessness during grief and some suggestions on how you could reframe them.
It can be hard to imagine anything good coming from losing someone you love. When you’re grieving, it’s not easy to see the brighter days ahead. If you are feeling in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 16.
Following a death, it can feel like you don’t have much control over your circumstances, and that can be incredibly stressful. When things get too much, it can be helpful to think about what you can control, like;
- Your words and actions
- The way you treat yourself and others
- Your choices
- Your response to other people’s actions
- How you let other people affect you
- When (and if) you forgive others
- Where you direct your time and energy
- Boundaries you set with others
- How you honour, celebrate and recognise the person or pet that’s passed
Coping with grief’s mixed bag of emotions
There’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach when it comes to mourning the loss of a loved one, and navigating grief in daily life. It can be hard to regulate your emotions in the early stages of grief, and this is totally normal. Next time an intense feeling hits, take note of it and name the emotion. It can help you to recognise what’s going on for you.
Sitting with painful emotions like envy, frustration, anger and insecurity and allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable in a safe environment can act as a big clear-out, leaving you feeling lighter, calmer and able to get a better night’s sleep (which can be tough when you’re grieving). This could be as simple as letting yourself cry, which really does play a big role in processing your emotions in a healthy way.
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How to have a grief sesh
Having a grief sesh can be a bit of a secret weapon to let out heavy emotions on really hard days. It’s when you actively force yourself to grieve by provoking an emotional release, making sure you’re in a safe, comfortable environment while doing so.
First, you’ll need a toolkit. Everyone is different, but you can use this list as a guide:
- Music that reminds you of your person or pet
- Photos
- Handwritten cards or letters from them
- Their journals
- Clothing or items that holds their scent
- A pillow to scream/cry into
- Tissues and a glass of water
- A list of helplines if things get too much and you need to talk
NOTE: Before you dive in, we want to flag that this exercise can bring up a lot of painful emotions, and if you’re someone who tends to suppress your feelings, accessing these emotions can feel overwhelming. If it feels too much for you, you can come back to this exercise when you’re more likely to be emotionally ready - there’s no rush.
Step 1: Find a cosy, private space where you won’t be interrupted - alone in your bedroom is often a good start, just be mindful to let other people in your household know you’d like to be left alone during this exercise.
Step 2: Music is an integral part of a good grief sesh, so play some music that reminds you of your person. The funeral songs work a treat, or you could listen to their favourite artists. You could also create your own ‘grief sesh playlist’ that evokes memories of them.
Step 3: Take a deep breath. Listen to the music while you look at photos or read cards, letters or journals. Hold the special items, smell their clothing and accept whatever emotions arise, without judgement. Use the pillow if you want to have a good scream - try not to hold back or suppress whatever comes up for you. Remember, by doing this, you’re helping to process the pain that’s been living in you rent-free. Take as long as you need.
Step 4: When you feel like you’ve had a good cry, or that you’ve managed to express some of the feelings inside, stop. And be sure to go easy on yourself afterwards. You can feel exhausted after a grief sesh, so try to keep your schedule clear for a few hours to rest and recoup.
Help is always available
Being there for yourself in gentle and compassionate ways can create coping mechanisms that support you in feeling calm and adding balance - prioritising yourself after the loss of a loved one is essential to your own mental and physical wellbeing.
If you are dealing with grief, you can reach out to one of these organisations for free support:
Click here for support services you can access. We recommend speaking to a mental health professional or your GP for tailored support.